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2 Years without Anna

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02/08/2010 marks 2 years since the day I lost you my dearest  Anna

2 years seemed to have passed by in an instant and yet each hour, each day of those 2 years without you has dragged by so slowly , my life has remained frozen in time while the rest of the world has carried on.

During these 2 years of  suspended animation our grandchildren who you only knew as babies have grown into little people who can understand and rationalize, and 2 other beautiful grandchildren you never knew have become part of our  family.

I look at our children and grandchildren and I feel so sad because from the moment we lost you all our lives have changed so much from  the course that we dreamed and planned , to an unchartered course filled with so many unknowns.

So hard to believe that TWO YEARS have passed, how can that possibly be when each day of those 2 years has seemed like an eternity.

It’s so hard to move on when even the places  that were once our favourite have become alien and so sad and lonely without you.

So Alone without you dear Anna, and yet throughout this time  I now realize that you have NEVER  left my side, You have tried so hard  to make me understand how futile it is to remain in this state of sullen grief where all I do is mark time.

I guess it makes sense that my transformation from this place of sadness and suspended animation should begin at the exact place where 2 years  ago all my hopes and dreams  for our future were buried with you.

The transformation began not so many months ago as I sat under that shady tree next to your resting place and  my thoughts drifted back to those happy journeys together along those dusty gravel roads.

I remembered how eagerly we searched for places just like this, where  under those shady trees alongside those  billabong , we could rest for  a while before continuing our journey .

I felt at peace as my mind was transported back to that happy time.

Perhaps it was at that moment you had been waiting for so that you could enter my mind, -that moment of peace when my guard was down from my stubborn wall of grief and sadness that refused to believe that anything but grief was possible.

I knew then dearest Anna that in all this time  you had never left me, you had always been by my side watching and waiting until you could sneak into my brain to  make me understand that it was time for change.

So many new thoughts flooded into my brain, it wasn’t a voice talking to

me,  but  a flood of thoughts  which I knew it  could only be you by the way you placed those thoughts in my head.

Gentle but insistant and no matter how hard I tried to block those thoughts you persisted.

This was that collection of thoughts that helped me understand,  so that the transformation from grief could begin:

Conversation with Anna:

Rid yourself of your grief for Me please rid yourself of your grief

Dearest Anna how can you say that
When it soaks my every pore
How do I get rid of the grief and loneliness?
When you no longer share our bed, eat at our table
And give me love as you did before?

Close your eyes, don’t listen to your head
Your mind plays tricks on you,
Your heart is all that matters
Just listen to it instead.

And the Loneliness dear Anna
How do I deal with this terrible pain
Most days that’s all that’s real
Most days that’s all I feel—

Imagine you are holding me close
imagine you are squeezing me tight
is it still loneliness you feel?
YES! because you are not in my sight

I can no longer hold you near there is nothing I can feel,
I can no longer smell your perfume
–And those kisses….
THAT is what WAS real !

Remember those days she continued
When you were far away from me
Did you still feel lonely then?
Yes

And did you believe in me?
Yes! Yes!

Then LISTEN to your heart again
What does it tell you now?
It tells me that I am lonely!
But weren’t you lonely then?
Of course, -but I knew that it would end!

Listen to your heart again she said
Do you really THINK it ends this way?
I don’t know, I just don’t know!

You have to believe that I still exist
Or you will drive me far away
Don’t go! I will  be lonely,,,,,,,,

Don’t live out your life in sadness
Our life was NEVER that way
You must care and share and love
Don’t waste OUR life away
OUR life……..?

Listen to your heart!
Just see how much you’ve changed?
Every thought you think includes me
You can never be the same
I don’t understand!!!

When you cry I am crying with you,
when you smile I will smile too,
everything that you feel
I will always feel with you.

My whole being runs through YOUR veins!
I AM A PART OF YOU, CANT YOU SEE?
You will NEVER be alone
It will never be “I” — It’s “WE”

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One Comment

  1. Thank you for the wonderful post. The words are inspirational and comforting to me in my own journey through grief.

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